five.

paxton.
I remember everything
about the day you were born.
the way your mom's voice sounded
shaky
on the other end of the phone.
you were coming!!
maybe.
possibly?
we were all new at this.

the way I shot up and paced around my house.

oh, how I paced.

back and forth for an hour.

my heart trying to escape from my chest

in excitement

and with nerves

but most of all with happiness.

all together, all at once.

how I jumped in my car

and sped (don't speed) down empty streets

to the hospital because

yes!!

you really were coming.

I remember the song that

played through my speakers.

Just One.

the last song I heard

before we met.

it will always make me think

of you.

I remember the beep beep beep

of your heart

and how your moms and I sat in a dark corner room

on the third floor

in the middle of the night

urged by the nurses to rest.

but, how could we sleep?!

didn't they know

YOU WERE COMING.

and less than 24 hours later

I stepped into that very same dark room

again, my heart racing.

I stood next to your mom,

and she handed you to me.

I remember how tightly you were wrapped,

the blue and pink stripes of your hat,

how you held your eyes open so wide,

and how quickly mine filled with tears because

there you were.

and I remember how

at that moment

there was not a room anywhere,

in any place

filled with anyone who was happier than us.

pax.

one day you will be big enough

to know all about the world.

you will learn

that on the very same month you were born

the world's population reached

seven billion people.

of all the little boys in the entire world,

how did we get the very best one?

happy first birthday nugget.

xoxo.

Four.

Pax.

I apologize for not writing to you

for quite some time.

I guess I have been too busy

smooching on your cheeks,

playing with the little curls

on the back of your neck,

and threatening to eat your toes.

In my defense,

they are extremely cute toes.

And it makes you laugh so

it is impossible to stop myself.

It is no wonder because,

you have the very best laugh.

You do.

First, those dimpled cheeks we love to smooch 

raise up in a smile,

squinting your eyes,

and then you throw your head back and

let out the deepest little

buddha belly squeal.

Your moms swear that you have your moments

of complete and utter meltdown but,

I rarely see it. 

You are a happy boy.

The happiest.

You smile at everyone and I hope

you never stop. 

Smiling at strangers.

Three.

pax

today was a big day for us.

today you turned 

a whole month old.

i came to your house

to see you 

and while i was holding you

you smiled at me!

for the very first time

you looked straight at me

and smiled

when I talked to you.

we are totally

best friends already.

you are not the same

tiny boy you were just 

30 days ago.

your legs look slightly less 

like a chicken's,

your belly button is all healed up

and is now in the process of deciding

if it wants to be an innie

or an outie,

and a lot of your hair

has mysteriously fallen out.

i'm sorry I said that your head

looks like a cul-de-sac,

and that I occasionally 

call you p diddy.

today, you pooped on me

which I can only assume

was in revenge, so

i think we're even buddy. 

A boy with a butt chin.

It's officially been two weeks since the little nugget was born. I absolutely LOVE him, I can't imagine how much his moms do. We took some pictures that make me really really happy:

 

 

Two.

paxton
you're here.
you made it.
we have been waiting
for you.
welcome to the world.
it's a pretty great place,
you'll see,
but instantly better
with you in it.

three short days
and you've
changed everything.
you have been the cause
of so many smiles
already.
i've known your parents
for a long
long time,
and have never
seen either of them as happy
as the night
you were born.

you should see your mom
when she looks at you.
she lays down right next you,
nose to nose.
kisses you over and over.
she has wanted you
for so long.
dreamed of you.
i don't think she can
believe it still.
you are hers.

for months
we all made bets.
what you would look like.
how much you would weigh.
if you would come out with
blonde curls
straight dark strands
or have any hair
at all.
we sat in the waiting room
that night
our feet nervously tapping
minutes circling around
the old plastic clock on the wall
suddenly,
from just down the hallway,
your mom finally sent me
your very first picture and
all at once
we gasped,
"what a beautiful boy we have!"

im the one with the camera.
your moms call me
aunt sarah
and every time they do
my heart skips a beat.
i hope
you will call me the same.
i was so excited to meet you
and now
just as excited
to watch you grow up.

we are going to have
so much fun
me and you.
i love you,
little nugget.
this
is the start

of your story.

Paxton, Won't You Come Out?

A song in which I sing to a fetus:

Free hugs.

Eight months ago I wrote a letter to a little boy.
Not even knowing who he was yet.
Now he has a name.
And soon,
really soon,
a birthday.
Yesterday I took pictures of his parents.
My friends.
My very best friend.
Pictures to look at when we want to remember,
our best boy,
when he was just a bump.

One.

Little nugget.
That is the very first thing I ever called you.
Yesterday.
I found out you existed.
A tiny, little version of you.
I smiled a smile so big,
and out of excitement,
said a few words that you are not allowed to know yet.

You are so lucky.
You have so many people who love you already.
And I am lucky because,
I am one of them.
Can love just appear like that?
From nothing?
Yesterday, it did.

In nine months,
I will meet you.
Finally get to hold you.
Feel your weight in my arms.
I will look at your face,
sleepy and brand new,
and I already know
I will call you the most beautiful baby
I ever saw,
like people often do.
But I will mean it.
And I will fall more in love
with someone I've only just met.

I'm grateful that so many years ago
your mom and I sat in english class.
We laughed and joked over everything
and nothing in particular.
We watched the world around us change,
together.
that she became my family,
because now I get to be in your life, too.

I'm going to make you a promise.
I will always be on your side.
Especially when you feel like your moms
don't understand you,
when their fashion choices are questionable,
or when they make you listen to bad music.
Don't get me wrong, your moms are amazing,
but they can't be perfect all the time.

I'm excited to find out
if you are a pink one
or a blue one,
to teach you things
that are saved for only aunts,
like how many pixie sticks it's physically possible
to consume in one sitting,
to take you to your first concert
(I already made your mom promise me)
and to see what the world has in store
for you.